Earlier this week, a few of us over here at Bat Flip started discussing how good The Hound (Game of Thrones) would be at the plate if he were in a softball beer league. Koop first mentioned it, and brought up the absurd power The Hound would have while slamming PBR’s like a champ. I jumped in, then Gypsy jumped in, and things escalated very quickly from there. My mind instantly started to wander to each position on the field, and I’m gonna give you our final lineup card.
The Roster (no particular order)
Brienne of Tarth
Pitcher- For pitcher we wanted someone consistent. More importantly, we wanted someone who looks the part. Who on the show looks more like a wily beer league softball vet than Davos? He’s the guy rockin’ two knee braces and brings chalk to slap on his hands before each at bat.
Catcher- Give me Bran Stark. This was one of the easier ones, for obvious reasons. He can’t be chasing down balls in the outfield or kickin’ up dust in the infield, but you know what he can do? He can block the plate with the best of ’em.
First Base- This one will become slightly clearer when we fill in the rest of the infield, but first base will be played by Brienne of Tarth.
Second Base- Thoros will be playing second, and this is another one that I’ll explain with this next guy.
Shortstop- When it comes to second and shortstop, you’re gonna want a couple guys with some chemistry. Who has more chemistry than the guy who died six times and the guy who brought him back to life six times? Something about these two in the middle of the infield together just feels right. (CAUTION: THIS NEXT SENTENCE CONTAINS A SPOILER FROM THIS SEASON) With Thoros dying in this latest episode, I considered not using him, but this seemed like a good opportunity to reunite the two….Yeah, I’m a sap.
Third Base- To help explain first base, we have Tormund at third. I haven’t rooted for a potential couple more than Tormund and Brienne. As Tormund explained to The Hound, him and Brienne would have monster babies. I’m rooting for them the way I’ve rooted for Shaq and Lisa Leslie to have a baby for all these years. I’ve lost hope in Shaq but Tormund seems determined to lock Brienne down.
Left Field- This was another obvious one, for me anyway. The King of the North and now King of the Outfield. Left field is reserved for the big gun, and there’s no bigger gun than Jon Snow. If we viewed the show as a literal game, and these guys are the players, then Jon’s my vote for best player. Ask any beer leaguer and they’ll tell you that more than likely their best player can be found in left.
Left Center- Similar to left, left center needs to have one of your best players. After Jon, there’s no one I trust more than Daenerys. Pretty sure using the dragons would be illegal, but you gotta assume the Mother of Dragons would have a cannon. The mother of fire-breathers would definitely be able to put some fire behind those throws to home.
Right Center- We had a tough time filling this one but ultimately it came down to having someone who would keep a close eye on the right fielder. We went with Arya Stark, and if she’s keeping an eye on anyone it would have to be……
Right Field- Sansa Stark. I mean no disrespect to all the right fielders out there but you know why you’re out there. You blow. You tend to fuck up the very few chances you’re given to make a play. I’m clearly not a fan of Sansa and I want her as far away from all the important shit as possible. Arya knows a fuck up is bound to happen so she’s out there to minimize that as much as possible.
The Batting Order
1. Arya Stark- Quick, precise, and deadly. Arya Stark is everything you want in a leadoff hitter. She’s gonna be able to put the ball where the defense isn’t, and if you get lucky enough to force a grounder, she’s beatin it out.
2. Dany- Both Dany and our number 3 batter have similar reasons for being where they are in the line up, and those reasons are similar to why they play the positions they do in the field.
3. Jon Snow- Jon and Dany are the stars of the team. We want them to get on base early and often, and as most baseball/softball fans know, these are the spots in the line up you want people you can trust will come through.
4. The Hound (EH)- For all you softball noobs, EH stands for extra hitter. There isn’t a DH, just an EH, so leave it alone you baseball hooligans. But like I said in the opening, this is where the whole conversation got started. After Koop brought it up, I mentioned that The Hound is the guy who makes the third basemen shit his pants every time he comes to the plate. He’s big, he’s drunk, and he’s looking to smash some shit. The Hound is the guy on the squad who keeps asking for a pinch runner if he hits any less than a homer. You’re not allowed to have booze on base so what’s the fuckin point?
5. Brienne of Tarth- Brienne is the only person we’ve seen beat The Hound in combat. I don’t believe she would have the sheer power he would have at the plate, but she’s definitely got enough to be slotted right after him in the 5th spot.
6. Tormund- Nice and simple, Tormund wants to be behind Brienne in the line up, and in the sheets.
7-8. Thoros and Beric- This is where I hit my first snag. I originally had Davos here, being he’s the old vet who knows how to place the ball and doesn’t swing for the fences. Then I was hit a realization. Thoros and Beric are gonna light their bats up like a couple of badasses. They do it with their swords and there’s no reason to think the Lord of Light won’t light those bats up too. Is this an advantage? Fuck if I know. It can’t be a disadvantage though, right?
9. Davos- Soooo, Davos falls to the 9th spot cause he’s old, and he’s weak, and he’ll never survive another winter (literally?). Also, having a vet at the back of the line up should help with carrying the dead weight behind him. Which brings us to…..
10. Sansa Stark- Put her on any other team and she’s 11th. She lucked out that her brother, who’s in a wheelchair, is also on the team. She is a frequent strike out victim in a sport where you have to have a certain amount of loft on the ball. People created a phrase describing when someone asks someone else an easy question and they went, ” Well, softball is fuckin easy. How bout calling them softball questions?” And they did, and this bitch is striking out. 1 out.
11. Bran Stark- I kept picturing Bran at bat over and over again in my head. I was trying to find some sort of positive spin I could put on this. And while I was picturing this I realized, Bran can picture it too. He may not be able to hit shit, but he is gonna have a good (third?) eye at the plate.
And we have it. Ready to submit the card to the ump and start slammin beers. But wait…who are they playing? Guess you’ll find that out next time.