Oh boy, here we go. We are back with everyone’s favorite guilty pleasure, The Bachelorette. If you forgot, I am not here to give you a run down of the show, but to give you the 120% completely correct power rankings of how every guy in the show ranks in the mind of The Bachelorette, our hometown girl, Becca. Saying that, I got a couple of notes.
First off, I am watching this while driving tractor. Think of a more alpha combo, I’ll wait…
Secondly, this is my first time watching The Bachelorette as I am usually here strictly for all the snacks on The Bachelor but I better figure out how to win at The Bachelorette if I want to get on the show, right?
Thirdly, this episode without the first 15 minutes of trash (Rachel, please don’t sage anyone else’s women parts) was TIGHT. I’ll get into specifics later, but I feel like the majority of these guys brought their A games. There are many power players, plenty of entertainment for us, and maybe even love for our girl, Becca. P.S. Becca was LOOKING LIKE A SNACK in this episode, which is huge for her brand.
Lastly, CHRIS HARRISON REALLY HIT US WITH THE FELLAS. If that didn’t get your little guy moving a little I don’t know what would.
Anyway, let’s do the damn thing.
Grant: This guy was a big bag of nothing. He was the second guy out of the limo and did nothing. Dude, you were set up perfectly and shit the bed.
Joe: Speaking of shiting the bed, WHAT YOU DOING JOE. He forgot his line getting out of the limo and talked about watermelons with his time with Becca, COME ON MAN. He was one of the video profiles before the guys came out, had some serious staying potential, had a great story, and (according to one of my friends) WAS HOT. I really was looking forward to a dude with a thick Chicago accent to go far, but it didn’t happen. Joe you choked.
Chase: I love the thought of Chase actually coming on the show to further his career, because why else would you go on a reality tv show right? Anyway, Chase got kind of a raw deal too, but I’m not too worried about it because he wasn’t that cool.
Darius: He was on the final rose, sucked there and sucked out of the limo. SEE YA.
Kamil: The ole social media participant thought that his best move was to completely alpha Becca and lay down the law on who would be wearing the pants in the relationship with that 60/40 bit. Needless to say, we now know why Kamil is still single.
Christian: He is most notable for getting shit on by pretty boy Jordan for not wearing socks, low key a tight look though.
Jake: What was this guy doing?? I changed a lot in the last year? That’s what you’re going with? You had no chance and should probably get punched in the face.
He came out with an Arie Poster which is possibly the worst move I’ve ever seen, I don’t know how he made it into the second round. Hey @Becca can you switch Mike and Joe? Thanks. Anyway, he did have the most underrated move of the show when he said “You Betcha” when accepting the rose. Clever, but you still suck.
This is what I have in my notes for Alex: nothing.
This makes me sad, because his song in the final rose was so baller, and then he came out with nothing for the entire episode. Pick it up Ryan, I need more weird/quirky dudes on the show.
John had a very nice line about his grandma and grandpa, AKA he’s gonna get friendzoned, but I have a feeling being friendzoned in the show wouldn’t be that bad. You get to go to a bunch of dope ass places for free, be on tv, and don’t really have any skin in the game so it doesn’t matter when you go home.
17. Jordan D.S.
D.S.: I will be putting this next to people that are a part of the “Drama Squad” that I just came up with, and Jordan is a perfect example of this because he is a woman.
Anyway, THIS DUDE SUCKS. I could probably go on for hours about that fact, but I don’t need too. Saying that, I am probably going to really enjoy his character throughout the show, very Corrine esque. So pretty much he is going to create a bunch of drama and stay around for like 4 or 5 episodes, because he is a very good-looking guy, and will go on a 2-on-1 with someone who is sick of his shit and go home because he sucks.
16. Nick D.S.
Nick shows up in the driver’s suit, I liked the move, but some of the other guys weren’t super fans. He didn’t really do anything else with Becca, but as the D.S. shows, I believe he’s going to become a player.
I don’t know honestly, just seems like an average player so this seems like the correct place.
This guy came out SWINGING, if you roll up in a hearse you better have a great line, and his was just ehh. It takes a lot of confidence and energy to pull it off though and I feel like he’s got that.
13. Chris D.S.
The snitch himself. Someone does this every season. It is an interesting move, because it’s admitting you’re not going to win, but by doing this it will keep you around a couple more weeks and definitely give you some more air time from the producers. Oh and the choir was dope.
I loved his handshake idea. Did it work on Becca though? Not sure, I don’t know if treating your new girl like a bro is the best move. Anyway, chill dude.
I think this is my second favorite dude (first coming up soon). Like I said, I need more weird in the game and this guy is our best chance to see some weird. Kendall made a name for herself last season with taxidermy, I’m very interested to see what Wills has up his sleeve.
SHEESH. I love the champagne pop and the huge pull before even pouring your date a glass. Very much a Total Frat Move. Anyway, Becca was into it, and she was into the fact that he already got down on one knee. This dude is your stereotypical still-in-college-and-has-hella-game dude. Gotta love it.
MY BOI, Leo Fs and that is very clear. He really just seems so chill about this whole situation, maybe it’s because he looks like the average stoner, surfer dude, I don’t know, he is just dope. He was cracking jokes the whole time and his entrance letting down that beautiful lettuce was perfect. Also, just think of the hockey child that would come out of those two’s loins. You know that child is heading for greatness and a place on the illustrious Minnesota All Hockey Hair Team.
8. Jean Blanc
The colognoisseur himself. Besides for the fact that his video virtually made him look like a lunatic, he seems pretty tight. Out of all of the “Let’s do the damn things” the French version was the least annoying.
7. Lincoln D.S.
I guess Lincoln is a pathological liar? Also HE SHITS ON FLOORS? TBD. Aside from that he had himself a solid performance. Besides being my favorite from “After the Final Rose,” he had my favorite video, and he gave Becca a bracelet that showed her that she was a part of the family. Nice. Of course, it sounds like his trajectory is heading downhill fast from here so enjoy your Top 10 while you can Lincoln.
I love this guy. It takes a lot of confidence to pull off a h*cking chicken suit for an entire episode, even if it was a producer play. Jordan hated him and he hated Jordan which was incredible, I really hope they are the 2-on-1. I also love that this guy kept with the bit for the entire episode which is 100% how to do something like that. I loved every part of his performance.
Power Player Note: Usually this is where the power players start, but it is to early to really see who these guys might be.
Christon had the most alpha move of the episode by DUNKING OVER BECCA. God that got me hyped, and obviously the entire house as a pick-up game started almost immediately after which is everything we need in this show. Dude is a total power player… Maybe?
Does Clay have the possibility of being friendzoned? Absolutely, but I think there is also a solid chance that Clay has some serious staying power and could become a power player. His clay to remember Clay could have been really bad, but he played it really well, so got to give him credit there.
Colton came out with a bang… Said every single blog about this damn show ever I’m sure, because it is the most obvious and stupid joke possible, but I don’t do usual so I’ll give it a try.
Colton came out bangING (See what I did there, by adding the ing it seems like he Fs, but he is actually a virgin, which how the fuck???) Anyway, I know great line, thanks. Becca is really into this guy though, probably because he is hot, probably has a bunch of money from football, and is like the ultimate good guy.
Blake just edges out Colton, because him and Becca actually had an incredible conversation about their ex’s. Also, he rode an ox in which pulls on my heart strings as everyone knows that cows are my favorite animals.
This guy killed it. There is no if and or buts about it, every part of his performance was perfect, and completely won over Becca almost instantly. P.S. the fly fishing bit was so smart, this guy is good. Plus, all of the other girls talking about their first impression and first kiss guys at the beginning of the show is an interesting cliff hanger by ABC.
Thanks for listening, this got a little long. (Editor Note: that’s what she said .gif)
Look for the Bachelorette drinking game this weekend.