5 Things Minnesotans are Ready to Return


It’s that time of the year again. The snow is falling, you just got done watching “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” for the 18th time. You have actually decided that the Grinch is your spirit animal, and your little cousin is yelling in your ear asking if you have any games on your phone at the last Christmas of the year that actually comes a couple weekends after.

‘Tis the season

But hey, at least you got the gift you wanted and all of your clothes you got actually fit, right? Nope, so ’tis the season of bringing all of the shit you don’t want back to the store, and hoping your second cousin once removed actually got a gift receipt.

Those ugly khakis aren’t the only thing that needs to be returned, so here are five other things that Minnesotans need to find the receipts for and bring them back to the store.

  1. Devan Dubnyk’s Contract

All of the promise that Devan Dubnyk’s beginning of his Wild expedition has seemly come to an end. For real, Dubnyk has fallen from graces faster than your Uncle’s chances of going pro after his knee injury in football.


Well anyway, the Wild are back to average, and thanks to Dubnyk’s mildly outrageous contract the potential to be anything other then average is light for a couple of years.

  1. Faith in Miguel Sano

Looks like this guy took a page out of good ol’ Al Franken’s book, and went a little bit to far. Which probably also represents how much faith Twins fans have put in Sano, and how much he will impact the win column for the team.

This sexual assault case paired with Sano’s outrageous strikeout numbers and underwhelming outfield play have put in question his fit on the team in the future.  

  1. Iowa, Nebraska, and Missouri people saying Minnesota is Canada

Some inferior states try to insert their dominance over this great state of ours by referring to said great state in such a defamatory way it is almost too difficult to put into this article.

Such terms as: South Canada, Canadians, and The Great White North have slipped through the mouths of deceitful Iowegians, Missourians, and Nebraskanites in order to demean the people of The North for far too long. We are Minnesotan and we are proud, and just because your states have more Casey’s than ours does not mean it is better.

SKOL nation stand together against the tyranny of these inferior states. We are not Canada, we are Minnesota, and better than you.  

  1. Tom Thibodeau

The Timberwolves. Are. Good. And a legit threat at some of the big dogs.

Now that is something that seemed inevitable at the beginning of the season, out of the question about a month and a half ago, and now seems to have come full circle to be a real possibility once again. Even with what seems like a certainty now, could fall apart at any time. The crazy part is, that this is not because of the players the Timberwolves have on the team, or even the injuries that have and could happen in the future.

It is because of the philosophies and shortcomings of the coach.

Tom Thibodeau came with the promise of improvement in the one thing that was slowing down the Wolves, defense, and has improved the defense so little it is barely traceable on paper. As the team’s defensive rating has only rose from 27th two years ago to now 20th while adding one of the premiere defenders in the game, Jimmy Butler.

Not only has the defense not improved, but the offense does not have the firepower this team has the potential to have. While they do have the 5th best offensive rating, 109, they also have posted the 21st worst pace of play and low assist numbers. So, in theory, that offensive rating could be increased to the top three. By increasing the pace-of-game and also dolling out minutes more effectively to lower tiredness at the end of games and decrease chance of injury, this Timberwolves’ offense could keep up with teams like the Rockets and Warriors.

But can this happen with Thibs at the helm?

  1. Lutefisk

Picture this, it is February 15th, and your grandma gives you a call to go to the Methodist lutefisk and meatball luncheon tomorrow. You’re scared. You know that everything at the luncheon will be good, but your grandma, paired with the peer-pressure of your cousins, will entice you to scoop up a big spoon full of that mushy, slimy, smelly goop people call lutefisk.

Can someone, anyone, tell me why people still eat this stuff????????

Seriously, this stuff is what nightmares are made of. I’m not really sure if lutefisk is actual fish, or like some alien lifeform that has made its way from space, and has unfortunately landed into the allure of Minnesota to get eaten by all the Norwegians and eventually take over their bodies and use us to take over the world.

Stay Woke Minnesota

Photo by Ole Husby on VisualHunt.com / CC BY-SA

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *